{"id":1943,"date":"2025-12-17T16:43:13","date_gmt":"2025-12-17T22:43:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/?p=1943"},"modified":"2025-12-17T16:43:13","modified_gmt":"2025-12-17T22:43:13","slug":"the-big-c","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/?p=1943","title":{"rendered":"The Big C"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Chris McLaughlin<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cathy, who has terminal cancer, leans over the pew and asks the person in front of her why Black women wear such gorgeous hats in church. She is “trespassing” there during gospel choir rehearsal, checking up on a student. So, her trespass is kindly though her question is rude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“We believe that all<\/em> women should cover their heads in church out of respect for the Lord,” the woman says, frostily, and moves away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This from the marvelous Netflix streaming series, “The Big C,” with the marvelous Laura Linney. It’s old but only recently popping into the promotion line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, “The Big C” is really Change, how we move out of our entrenchments into better, perhaps holier, certainly fuller places. Later Cathy returns during church service wearing a gorgeous hat and she asks to be held in forgiveness, spilling all her wrongful acts. And she is<\/em> held, if uncomfortably, by these politer, generous folks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am thinking about this because of a churchy thing of my own related to how hard it is to see and hear ourselves, never mind others. To consider changing our deeply convicted stances when we see they are hurting others. If it\u2019s hurtful, can it really be true?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This whole meander was inspired by a photo of many young women in white ball gowns as the “Pauline Redmond Coggs Foundation hosts ’51st Debutant Cotillion.’\u201d All the debs shown in The Milwaukee Times<\/em> newspaper<\/a> belong to Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, a historically African-American sisterhood.

it strikes me that my dislike of the whole debutant schtick is linked to my own time, place, and circumstances. The scorn I developed is partly a result of the welcome 1960s cultural change away from patriarchal traditions\u2014and partly because I was excluded: wrong income and social level, wrong reference group, no clubs or connections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mainly white Service Club of Milwaukee Charity Ball tradition ended its hundred some year tradition in 2022 as fewer and fewer young women sought to join. New thinking, new ways to network now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fifty some years ago another community built a new tradition to celebrate the work and beauty of its own young women who could not have been part of the tradition I knew. When membership in a group has been denied you, this way of honoring service, developing ethical standards and scholarship, and wearing pretty dresses is a whole new ballgame. Maybe after another 50 years this community\u2019s desire for a historic style of display will go away. Maybe not. But there\u2019s something strong in claiming it now for those who haven\u2019t had it forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Big C is also Compassion. Comprehending something you have not really understood before. To get straight, become true\u2014 the earliest meaning of change\u2014you must open your heart and mind. Evict for a time those other Cs: Certainty and comfort in fixed beliefs and the narrow logics behind them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When someone in meeting speaks as Cathy speaks, unpremeditated, asking real questions or showing the joy and anguish of their lived experience, I sense Spirit at work. Shared feeling leads to real understanding. Bearing witness with compassion and comprehension on a deep level change me for the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Simplicity and plainness are the Quaker jam. We don’t wear gorgeous hats at Milwaukee Friends Meeting. But we could\u2026to celebrate this life we have been handed. The pleasure in our own little acts of creation. Maybe simplicity is about what\u2019s underneath. That\u2019s my story and I\u2019m sticking to it for now.

I might start to dress a little better come Sunday morning.  Mom would have approved, and she\u2019s always been a good test.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am thinking about … how hard it is to see and hear ourselves, never mind others<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":1925,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[141],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1943","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dec-2025"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1943","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1943"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1943\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1944,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1943\/revisions\/1944"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1925"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1943"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1943"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shareletter.milwaukeequakers.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1943"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}