By Chris McLaughlin

Cathy, who has terminal cancer, leans over the pew and asks the person in front of her why Black women wear such gorgeous hats in church. She is “trespassing” there during gospel choir rehearsal, checking up on a student. So, her trespass is kindly though her question is rude.

“We believe that all women should cover their heads in church out of respect for the Lord,” the woman says, frostily, and moves away.

This from the marvelous Netflix streaming series, “The Big C,” with the marvelous Laura Linney. It’s old but only recently popping into the promotion line.

Of course, “The Big C” is really Change, how we move out of our entrenchments into better, perhaps holier, certainly fuller places. Later Cathy returns during church service wearing a gorgeous hat and she asks to be held in forgiveness, spilling all her wrongful acts. And she is held, if uncomfortably, by these politer, generous folks.

I am thinking about this because of a churchy thing of my own related to how hard it is to see and hear ourselves, never mind others. To consider changing our deeply convicted stances when we see they are hurting others. If it’s hurtful, can it really be true?

This whole meander was inspired by a photo of many young women in white ball gowns as the “Pauline Redmond Coggs Foundation hosts ’51st Debutant Cotillion.’” All the debs shown in The Milwaukee Times newspaper belong to Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, a historically African-American sisterhood.

it strikes me that my dislike of the whole debutant schtick is linked to my own time, place, and circumstances. The scorn I developed is partly a result of the welcome 1960s cultural change away from patriarchal traditions—and partly because I was excluded: wrong income and social level, wrong reference group, no clubs or connections.

The mainly white Service Club of Milwaukee Charity Ball tradition ended its hundred some year tradition in 2022 as fewer and fewer young women sought to join. New thinking, new ways to network now.

Fifty some years ago another community built a new tradition to celebrate the work and beauty of its own young women who could not have been part of the tradition I knew. When membership in a group has been denied you, this way of honoring service, developing ethical standards and scholarship, and wearing pretty dresses is a whole new ballgame. Maybe after another 50 years this community’s desire for a historic style of display will go away. Maybe not. But there’s something strong in claiming it now for those who haven’t had it forever.

The Big C is also Compassion. Comprehending something you have not really understood before. To get straight, become true— the earliest meaning of change—you must open your heart and mind. Evict for a time those other Cs: Certainty and comfort in fixed beliefs and the narrow logics behind them.

When someone in meeting speaks as Cathy speaks, unpremeditated, asking real questions or showing the joy and anguish of their lived experience, I sense Spirit at work. Shared feeling leads to real understanding. Bearing witness with compassion and comprehension on a deep level change me for the better.

Simplicity and plainness are the Quaker jam. We don’t wear gorgeous hats at Milwaukee Friends Meeting. But we could…to celebrate this life we have been handed. The pleasure in our own little acts of creation. Maybe simplicity is about what’s underneath. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it for now.

I might start to dress a little better come Sunday morning.  Mom would have approved, and she’s always been a good test.